We found the things in each other that we would probably never find in others. The love and understanding and pain that we unapologetically share. Society won’t accept us. Mum won’t accept us, because she doesn’t know or accept me. I’m a disappointment to them and you are to them too. Soon I will be more of a disappointment.
I can’t imagine being without you after knowing you. It pains me and makes me feel terrified. I don’t want to be away from you. This is the loneliest night and out of all people, you used to be there, before I told you to give me space. Of course mum would never know or care or even react properly to me.
I can’t be without you. It’s dark without you and I wish I can just call you, but I am forced to see someone else. I don’t want to see someone else or show myself to someone else. I don’t want to smile for someone else. I want you and no one else.
They play on my fears and say that you will be exhausting and drive me crazy. Is this what they also went through, are they regretting their lovers who are supposed to be like you? Are you like them? Will you leave me with piles of debt and isolated children?
Will they think that your past is too dark that they can see no light in our future together?
I’ve never felt so alone, cold and heartbroken like this. It’s scarier than anything I have gone through – losing you.
You’re not like them. You came with a degree, they didn’t. You came with health problems that you sought help with, when I encouraged you to, they didn’t go for treatment. You changed when we discussed, theorised and debated, they didn’t. Sometimes you’re stubborn like them, you are fearful of responsibilities, just like them. But you’re my friend unlike them, in relation to their wives. We both want a normal relationship when our families want us to go through rigorous checks and procedures.
You have a year to get your salary, and then save up for an income for us to be married. They won’t wait, but I was willing to do so. Your family will accept me, mine won’t. But I know that once they know you they will. It’s hard to get them to give you a chance.
I love and fall hard. Can I trust myself this time? They told me to think with my brain but all I can hear is a heart beating.
I’m complex, you are too, but much more difficult.
Can I trust you? Can I trust myself?
I feel guilty and at fault, but I promise, I’m forced to.
25/10/20 1:57 am
Writing Against the Tides 